The Beginning of Becoming You

For the last century, women have been largely seen through the lens of roles—mother, daughter, wife, sister. Our value often tethered to how well we held families together, supported others, or fit into predetermined molds. Depending on class and resources, some women had to work to survive, while others were raised to marry well, support a husband, and maintain the home. The pressure to conform wasn’t just personal—it was systemic, cultural, and often inescapable.

After the First World War, with over two million British women left single due to the massive loss of life, society faced a quiet reckoning. Women entered department stores like Harrods and Marks & Spencer as workers and customers, the early echoes of economic agency stirring. Books like Singled Out capture these women’s untold stories—those who married, those who never did, those who became nurses, teachers, or the “spinster aunts.” Yet despite these roles evolving, the cultural narrative about what women should be never fully loosened its grip.

My mum, a single parent in the 1970s, defied many norms. Pregnant and left behind, she raised us in a time where support systems were sparse, judgment was harsh, and poverty shaped every corner of life. And I—attending an all-girls school by 11—was already clocking the messages. Girls typed, sewed, learned to cook. Boys were taught to build, lead, and compete. I knew early what I didn’t want.

Being working-class and moving through southern spaces, my northern accent, my name, and my quiet difference were constantly being read and misread. People often projected their assumptions before I even opened my mouth. I learned to outwork those expectations, but the cost was invisibility and internalised doubt. I watched others get promoted or praised not because they were better, but because they fit the box more neatly.

Over time, I learned that many women—especially those who “marry out” or live between cultures—are subtly expected to become someone else. You’re asked to take on new ideologies, religions, and beliefs, sometimes quietly, sometimes forcefully. And when these don’t sit in your heart, the dissonance becomes a slow-burning internal war.

These layers of experience led me to deeply question what it means to be human, to belong, to evolve beyond what systems allow. I saw it in the students I worked with, bright kids dulled by systems not built to hold them. I lived it in my own life—becoming “too much,” “not enough,” “too clever,” or “too different” depending on who was watching.

So today, I want to explore this process of unhooking. Of recognising when your internal world no longer matches the external expectations. Of breaking free—not with drama or destruction—but with clarity and care. This isn’t about pathologising your pain or spiritualising every emotion. It’s about finally naming the quiet revolution happening inside you—and choosing to respond with truth.

In this post and podcast, we’ll explore what this unhooking looks like, why it’s happening now for so many, and how to support yourself through it.

 The Moment You Begin to See There comes a time in our lives—sometimes sudden, often slow-burning—when we begin to question not only our experiences but also the “truths” we’ve lived by. For many, this shift is triggered by burnout, illness, heartbreak, redundancy, or simply a creeping sense that life doesn’t feel like it fits anymore. It’s not always dramatic at first, but once the cracks appear, we start to see differently. This is the beginning of unhooking from social conditioning.

For me , the process was gradual. Some things were blatant and obvious and at other times burnout and fatigue forced me to rest and be still. But it took a while to be ok shutting off the mind and being ok in the nothingness and allow a process to unfold.

What Does It Mean to Unhook? Unhooking is the process of waking up to the internalised beliefs and narratives we’ve inherited from family, culture, institutions, and society at large. It’s when we begin to see:

• That our overgiving isn’t kindness, it’s conditioning.

• When our work is what defines our identity

• That our drive to “achieve” or “be good” was often rooted in a need for love or approval.

• When we ignore the little nudges and signs of fatigue or irritation and push anyway

• That our busyness might be a shield from grief, emptiness, or unprocessed emotion.

This process can come in and out of our awareness for years. It’s not a one-time event but a spiral that deepens over time. Each round invites us to get more honest, more present, and more sovereign.

Influential Thinkers and Frameworks

• Carl Jung (Individuation Process, 1910s-1960s): Jung described individuation as the process of becoming one’s true self—integrating the unconscious, including the shadow and archetypes, to become whole.

• Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run with the Wolves (1992): A deep dive into the wild woman archetype and how women can reclaim intuition, power, and deep instinct.

• Bell Hooks, All About Love (2000): Explores how love is often misunderstood through a socialised lens and how societal structures inhibit authentic relationships.

• Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No (2003): Unpacks how suppressed emotions and chronic stress from people-pleasing and overgiving show up in illness.

• Toko-pa Turner, Belonging (2017): Looks at the exile many feel from themselves, their creativity, and their lineage, and how reconnection is part of healing.

• Resmaa Menakem, My Grandmother’s Hands (2017): Links trauma, race, and the body, showing how intergenerational patterns are held somatically.

Are You In This Phase? Questions to Ask:

• Do I feel increasingly drained or misaligned in spaces I used to tolerate?

• Have I started to crave solitude or simplicity?

• Do old relationships or roles feel like they require more effort than they’re worth?

• Am I noticing feelings of guilt or fear when I set boundaries or say no?

• Have I begun to see how much of my life has been shaped by external expectations?

What Unlocks the Cycle?

• Realising that discomfort is not a sign you’re doing something wrong—it’s often a sign you’re doing something different.

• Noticing the emotional withdrawal that happens before physical or lifestyle change.

• Becoming aware that being “selfish” may actually be self-honouring.

• Letting go of the compulsion to fix, rescue, or manage other people’s emotional landscapes.

• Learning to be with silence, stillness, and even grief.

• Recognising the voices of our parents, teachers, religion, or partners in our inner dialogue—and starting to ask, “Is that my voice?”

Journal Prompts:

1. What beliefs about success, love, or identity did I inherit that no longer serve me?

2. What values do I hold and what now longer resonates?

3. Where in my life am I performing or pleasing to avoid rejection?

4. What situations am I saying “yes” to that leave me feeling tired or resentful?

5. Who drains my energy and why do I keep showing up?

6. What does “peace” feel like in my body?

7. What things people and places light me up, make me feel good and how can I include more of this

8. How do I feel when I wake up and find myself considering the deeper aspects of humanity, life ,meaning ,death, solitude and connection and how can I validate , acknowledge and appreciate my capacity for depth and what gentle activities or rest do I need when I’m in this part of the cycle

9. Consider if you remain in the lower mood, cycles of despair or depression  for too long then consider getting some support and talking to friends that you can be real with

10. Celebrate the days that feel good, where you feel like you made some progress on what matters , the small things that make your day feel good and the people in your life .

Key Action: Choose one area of your life where you’re noticing strain, resentment, or misalignment. Commit to observing it for a  few days without judgment. What thoughts, patterns, or fears arise? What would one small act of alignment look like there? Then notice when it starts to lose potency and fades

Final Note Unhooking from social conditioning is not a rejection of others, but a reclamation of self. It requires courage to stop outsourcing worth, identity, or belonging. As Jung reminds us, “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.

It also means to value the quiet spaces and not pathologies your experience but to honour where you are