Many men do not only drink because they enjoy it. Sometimes they drink because it helps them regulate pressure, loneliness, shame or self-disappointment. The difficulty is that self-reliance, which often looks like strength, can also become part of what keeps the pattern in place.

One of the patterns I have seen repeatedly in men is the quiet alliance between shame and self-reliance.

It often sounds convincing.

I’m fine.
I know I’ve let it slip a bit.
I just need to get a grip.
I don’t need help.
I’m not the kind of person who needs a group.
I’ll sort it myself.

And sometimes a man does begin to sort things. He cuts back. Stops drinking. Starts walking. Eats better. Sleeps more. Reads. Reflects. Feels a bit better. Gets interested in growth, mindset, philosophy, health, purpose. That can all be real.

But I have also seen how often the phrase I’ll sort it myself is not just independence. Sometimes it is shame trying to remain in charge of the story.

Because many men would rather struggle privately than be seen clearly.

They do not want a label. They do not want to feel reduced. They do not want to be spoken to as if they are fragile, weak or incapable. And if they are used to being successful in other areas of life, admitting that something has got hold of them can bring up a very particular kind of humiliation.

So they hide the extent of it.

Or minimise it.

Or tell a partial truth.

And often it is only later, when trust has grown, that the fuller picture emerges.

What interests me in this work is that drinking is rarely just about drinking. It is often about what the drinking is doing for the person. Numbing. Sedating. Soothing. Rewarding. Marking the end of the day. Taking the edge off self-loathing. Filling the emptiness of an evening. Giving some form of relief from the pressure of being themselves.

Underneath that there is very often shame.

Shame that they are not where they thought they would be. Shame that they have lost money, time, a marriage, a career, a home, their health, or their sense of direction. Shame that they are over 50 and frightened of starting again. Shame that other people seem to have done life better. Shame that they have hidden things. Shame that they have been both the wounded one and the one doing damage.

And shame does not usually heal through being cornered.

It heals through truth, dignity and contact.

That is one reason I have always thought we need to be careful not to become too simplistic here. Yes, behaviour matters. Yes, accountability matters. Yes, medical or specialist support may be needed. But unless a man begins to understand the emotional logic of what he is doing, he may remove the behaviour while keeping the wound untouched.

Then the pattern often relocates.

Into work. Into obsession with self-improvement. Into over-control. Into a new relationship. Into spending. Into pornography. Into emotional shutdown. Into the next respectable way of not having to feel what is there.

The turning point is often not dramatic.

It is the moment the performance drops.

When a man stops defending the image and says what is actually true.

The amount.
The secrecy.
The loneliness.
The ritual.
The fear.
The self-hatred.
The relief.
The part of him that does not want to stop, and the part that is desperate to.

That kind of truth is hard won. But it is where dignity begins to come back.

Two things to consider

1. What feeling usually arrives just before the coping behaviour begins?

2. Are you trying to stop the habit while still protecting the shame underneath it?

Further reading

• Gabor Maté — In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts

• Brené Brown — I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)

• Bessel van der Kolk — The Body Keeps the Score

• Johann Hari — Lost Connections

If this essay resonates, you can find the rest of my writing on Substack, Melanie Gabbi@mel4444

where I publish my full essay series and reflective work. Shorter pieces and selected blogs also appear on  LinkedIn and Patreon, but Substack is the main home for the writing. I also support clients 1:1 around stress, coping patterns, burnout, relationships and emotional recovery, and offer a 6-week course and workbook called The Empowered Self.

 

I’ve opened up space for a small number of clients over the next few weeks.
If you or anyone you know is looking for support around stress, burnout or relationships, feel free to pass my details on. contact me melgbb555@hotmail.com